May 24th…approaching pretty fast…

2 Years ago on that day…I lost my first baby. For the past month or so I’ve been crying lots just thinking about it. Lately though things have somewhat changed. I’ve actually got something else that I’m thinking about.

 

I’ve had not extremely soar, but soar boobs, to the point that if they get pressed they hurt quite a bit. I’m not expected to get my period until the 24th of May..now isn’t that a coincidence. It would just be so amazing that on the 24th I don’t get my period and then I find out that I am pregnant. I just have this feeling that I may be.

 

It would so amazing if GOD would give back to me what he took away on that same day 2 years later…

 

K…now the something “weird”….

– May 24th…2 years ago I lost my first baby…this will be my 4th pregnancy in our 4th year of marriage… Isn’t that just so weird how the 2 and the 4 in the number 24 have so much meaning…? 

 

annddddd…..I was married on the 24th!

 

Am I just going crazzyyyy?????

1 comment May 18, 2008 feelingempty

Back again…

To my few readers that I have…

 I apologize for not warning you that I will be going on vacation for a month. I just got back on Sunday the 16th from a 4 week trip to India. I truly had a blast! 30 degrees celcius weather was just amazing!! Wish I could go back..but back to reality…

I don’t know if I told you guys about our plans on not trying to get pregnant for a year or so. We decided on that after our last miscarriage just because it’s just too hard to handle and a few people had informed us that doctors have said to them that you should wait a year. Really our decision is just mainly based on us not wanting to go through that again so soon. I just want to give my body some rest. Anyways…to the point…my husband had gone to India a few weeks before I did and I had told him to buy some condoms if he wants to have sex because I am not on BC. Well he didn’t listen. We had sex every single night for the past 4 weeks without any protection except going pee right after LOL. I’m not saying I’m pregnant but my boobs hurt and I feel a bit nauseaus after eating and in the morning…it could all just be jet lag. I hope it is. Anyways, I’m not supposed to get my period until the 25th anyways, that’s if I’m back on a proper cycle. We’ll just have to wait and see…..

Add comment March 19, 2008 feelingempty

Oh you’re only 23…you got lots of time…

That’s exactly what I hear when people feel the need to talk about my infertility. Age has nothing to do with it. 3 miscarriage and no kids. What if I can’t ever have children? I’m just so fed up with everything right now and the 16th is coming pretty quick and then the 24th of may is following pretty fast after that as well. It’s just so hard…anyways…I’ll tell you guys about my first miscarriage and how everything happened…

It was May long weekend here in Canada. I thought I was 17 weeks pregnant. It was a Wednesday evening and I was at work. I work as an insurance agent and at that time I had a job where I was doing mobile service at different dealerships. K, so that evening around 6 I went to the washroom at one of the dealerships and noticed a bit of spotting. I never ever checked for it and that day it was just there. A very small amount just that one time. I didn’t think anything of it until…the next day, same time, I noticed the same thing. I left work right away. Was a bit concerned, but still just thought it was nothing. I went to the hospital parking lot but didn’t end up going in and just called my manager and said I’m going to be late for work tomorrow since I was going to be seeing a doctor. I called my family Dr but he was out of town so I just went to the walk in clinic and the Dr there checked for a heartbeat for a min or 2 but couldn’t get anything and just thought it was too soon. He told me to just wait it out over the weekend and not go to work because he was putting me on bed rest. Even then I was a bit more concerned but still thought its probably nothing…because of Dr Google. That evening though I noticed that the spotting was getting worse. Still just brown blood. H took me to the ER and they checked me out and said my cervix is still closed and there is an 85% chance of everything being ok. I thought ok 85%..everythings fine. At this point though I was just so freaked out. They told me since it was brown blood and I had NO cramping, its probably nothing. They couldn’t do an ultra sound at that time because it was May long weekend and it was a Friday night and no one would want to come in unless its an emergency. I thought ok I understand but get me Tuesday morning for sure because I just needed to know everything was ok. We went home, back to bed. Saturday was pretty much just all day in bed, no red blood, no cramping. Sunday all day everything was the same. Sunday night, it was red blood and I just started crying and freaking out and H took me to the ER again. Again they checked me out. Cervix was closed. No cramping. Still no heart beat with a doppler, but they said babies tend to hide from that so its not that reliable. At that point I didn’t know much about pregnancies at all. I had signed up for the weekly newsletters but other than that I didn’t really know much. They again sent me home and Monday I stayed in bed all day. I still had no cramping so I had hope. Tuesday morning I got a call from the hospital and they said come in at 10 for an ultrasound. H took me again. I changed into a gown and we were walking towards the room and the tech said he can’t come in and I’ll call him if there’s anything to see. Again I was freaked out completely, all alone in this room with this lady but I just went in anyways. I stared and stared at the screen but all I could see was a little peanut. I remembered my sister in laws ultrasound pics and at 18 weeks her baby was huge. I thought this can’t be. Then she told me that she’s going to do a vaginal scan to get a better view. She wasn’t telling me anything really, just said she’s not allowed to. After she was done, she said I need to go see my Dr right away. I knew it was all over at that point. I was hysterical the way to my Dr’s office. H tried comforting me and said you know just wait till we get to the Dr, maybe everything is ok. But I just knew it wasn’t. As soon as we got there, he came into the room and I started bawling. He said don’t worry sometimes its just not meant to be. The baby had lost its heart beat at 7 weeks. I just couldn’t control myself. He said that the Dr who perfoms the D & C’s will be at my hospital on Friday and said said if it happens naturally by Thursday then we won’t need to do a D & C but other wise we would have to on Friday. He said its better if it just happens naturally.

I went home, crying uncontrollably. H tried comforting me, telling me as long as we got eachother we’re going to be ok. He said to me it just wasn’t meant to be. That night I started feeling a bit crampy. All night I had an uneasy feeling. The next morning, same thing, by noon it was a sharp pain every 20 mins or so that lasted about 10 seconds but hurt like hell. I called my Dr’s office and left a message for him but, I didn’t get a call back from him. At 5 pm, I though ok, he’s still there at his office, I should just go there to see if I can take any meds for the pain. My mom and grandma said they’d come with me but I just wanted to be alone. Oh, my husband had to go to work and there was no way around it so I just told him to go. Anyways, I get to the Dr’s office and the receptionist said well you’re going to have to wait till all the other patients go in. I waited about 10 mins but as I was waiting the pain just go worse and worse. I think she saw all this so she sent me into one of the rooms and told my Dr right away. As soon as I go into the room, the pain was so intense and jsut wasn’t going away. He popped his head into the room and asked how i was but when he saw I was crying uncontrollably and was in so much pain, he told me to just take off my pants and get up on the bed and while i do that he’d go send the other patients away. When he came back, within like 2 mins, he checked me out and said the pain was just really bad because my baby was trying to make its way out but just go stuck so he took it out. As soon as that was done, the pain was bearable again, instantly. I saw it, it just looked like a little golf ball. And then I left. I called my husband and just cried and cried and went home and went to bed.

1 comment February 4, 2008 feelingempty

Almost a year since Miscarriage #2…

February 16th marks the day that I had my D & C for my second miscarriage. It’s such an emotional time for me. The worst part is…you guys will probably think I’m such a bad person…but I have a nephew that was born in August last year. That’s when I was due with Pregnancy # 2. It’s just so weird. 2 of my close cousins and I all got married within a month of eachother. The youngest of the 2 cousins, his wife ended up being pregnant the same time as me. This was my first pregnancy. I was so excited. Not only was I pregnant, but my child would grow up with my cousins baby. Then about a month later we found out that one of my other cousins was pregnant as well! That was just the best news ever!! THREE babies all in the same month. Couldn’t get better than that! But, obviously it could get worse and it did. May 24th I ended up naturally passing my baby. Hardest time in the world for me. With my second pregnancy, I was due in August last year and when I found out I was pregnant, my OTHER cousin ( the oldest out of the three of us ) his wife was pregnant and due in August as well. Again, I thought OMG it can’t go wrong this time…my child is meant to grow up with one of my cousin’s baby. So freakin’ excited. A few months later, it was all just a dream. Just wasn’t meant to be. I just didn’t know what to do. It was like someone had taken a knife and cut up my heart into little pieces each time, and take a huge chunk with them.

My family doctor then referred me to an OB/Gyn. Dr S…nice guy, ran some blood tests, all came back normal, told me 1 miscarriage is normal, 2 is not as normal but 3 is rare. We’d definately have a healthy pregnancy the third time around because 3 is just RARE. Boy was he wrong…November 27th, 2007, again, naturally had my baby again. Went back to see him and he was just so surprised that it could happen again. He had told us to keep the baby so they could run tests but that didn’t tell us anything. Right now we’re just waiting for the chromosome studies that were done on my hubby and me.

Maybe in later posts, one by one, I’ll tell you guys exactly how everything went down in each pregnancy…

Till then…take care!

2 comments January 31, 2008 feelingempty

First just a little bit of history…

K, here it goes…

H and I found out we were pregnant 6 months after trying. We told EVERYONE as soon as we found out. I had heard about miscarriage and read about it a bit, but never thought it could EVER happen to us. Everything seemed to be going just great. My boobs were soar, I was nauseaus 24/7, my pants were even getting tighter everyday…until I saw that little bit of spotting at 17 weeks. The first time I saw it was while I was at work on a Wednesday but didn’t really think much of it. The next day, in the evening noticed it again and thought to myself that I better get that checked out. I went to the walk in clinic on Friday morning and the doctor there just told me its probably nothing, just go on bed rest for a few days and go see your family doctor when he gets back from holidays. I did as I was told and just waited it out. The spotting just gradually got worse. That evening I ended up going to the ER and they checked me out and told me that my cervix was closed and because it wasn’t “red” blood and I wasn’t having cramping, there was a 85% chance that its nothing. It was May long weekend when all of this was going on so I couldn’t even get an ultrasound done. I had to wait until the following Tuesday. All weekend, I stayed in bed and the spotting just got worse and worse. Sunday night, it was red. I freaked out and started crying hysterically and then H took me to the ER again. They did another check and told me my cervix was still closed and everything is probably just fine and told me to take it easy. The RN used a doppler to listen for a heart beat but they couldn’t find one. They figured that the baby was probably just hiding on us because  they tend to do that sometimes. Sent us home again and just said to take it easy. Tuesday morning I received a call saying to go in for the ultrasound. The tech wouldn’t let H in with me and just said if there’s anything to see she’ll call him in. I stared and stared at the screen. There was nothing but a little peanut there. I just thought this can’t be, it has to be bigger than that at 17 weeks. She said I need to go see my doctor and she couldn’t tell me anything. I just knew it right away. She didn’t call my husband in at all and i just knew it. I told H everything and he still said to not worry its probably nothing and said lets just go to the doctor and see what he says. I just couldn’t stop crying and when we got to my doctors office, the MOA sent us in right away and he came and saw me crying and just said don’t worry, there was nothing you could do. The baby had stopped growing at 7 weeks. That little bit of hope I had left was all gone as he said those words to me. I carried my dead baby inside me for 2 and half months before my body decided to  tell me there’s nothing there. He said to go home and take it easy and if it doesn’t happen naturally, I’d have to get a D & C done on the following Friday. That night I started contracting a little bit and the next day it just got worse and worse gradually. I went to my doctor at 5:30 pm to see if I could get some pain meds, but at that point the pain just got so unbearable and it all happened right there at the doctors office…naturally. The hardest thing I’ve ever gone through.

Miscarriage # 2….

My husband and I planned a huge trip India after all of this happened. We were planning on going away for 3 and half months and just travel all over. We had just gotten to India and a week later I found out I was pregnant. We cancelled all plans to travel and just took it easy for the whole trip. Didn’t work at all, didn’t go anywhere much, just wanted everything to be ok. We had regular ultra sounds there. The first one at 5 weeks showed just the sack. The second one at 8 weeks, showed a healthy heart beat and everything was going just great!! We were so excited and the fear was slowly going away. We had made it past the 7 weeks. Our third ultrasound at 13 weeks, showed that there was no heart beat and that the baby stopped growing at 8 weeks and 2 days. How absolutely heart breaking that was…only I could tell you. My whole heart was just ripped out of my chest one again. Ended up having to get a D & C done. We had another month left in our trip and we just tried to make the best of it.

Miscarriage # 3…

Again, six months later, we find out we’re pregnant…this time taking it super easy again. Didn’t tell ANYONE about this pregnancy. At 10 weeks started spotting. Absolutely hysterical at this point. Got an ultrasound the next morning and again…SEVEN WEEKS…no heart beat after that point. How is that possible? How can 7 be such an unlucky number? Again, this miscarriage ended naturally. We saved the baby and took it to the lab and had it sent away for chromosome testing. A month later, we’re told the baby was too small for them to even be able to find anything out. We had chromosome studies done as well. Just waiting  for the result.

We are hoping the results are going to come back normal. If either one of our chromosomes is messed up, donor egg or donor sperm. I just hope and pray everything is going to be ok…

Add comment January 27, 2008 feelingempty

  • About Me

    I got married on February 24, 2004. We decided to wait a while before we would have children. Didn't ever take any form of birth control, just thought our technique of going to the washroom right away after was doing the trick! In Sept of 2005, we decided we were going to start trying for babies. Found out I was pregnant in February of 2006 and from then on 3 pregnancies...no Real Live Babies...
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